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148 
By our Northern Correspondent
Page 22
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Eric Strongitharm
Oswaldtwistle.
Spagthorpe Motor Company of Oswaldtwistle Chairman and President for Life Sir Jos Spagthorpe has been left red-faced and his workers red-cheeked by one of the worst indiscretions in the company's history.
"I can't bleedin' well believe it. I've always wanted to get on telly; 343 applications from me and the wife to appear on Lucky Ladders with Lenny Bennett!! All refused!! But I didn't want to get on t' box this way."
S pagthorpe is referring to a story broken exclusively by ONN, a 24-hour rolling news channel based in Oswaldtwhistle.
"We cover all the latest developments in the town," says chief producer, leading town naturist and excitable New Yorker Rocky De Stilletto. "From whippets to wellies to waffles. A tale of an everyday English village."
The channel revealed that vehicles from Spagthorpe Motor Company had smashed through the gates of an archaeological site on the edge of town.
"There were some very valuable Roman ruins in there. I ain't talking boring pots and spoons or that stuff that people pore over with fake interest in museums. What's to ponder? It's a spoon. GET OVER IT PEOPLE!! There were valuable paintings in there," sys De Stilletto. "Naked virgins and pagan goddesses—and the like..."
Sir Jos admits that the firm had indeed entered the historic site.
"I needed some stone to build meself a sauna near t' office. There was stone there so we went in! We didn't know it were a valuable site —if you can call anything from Italy bloody valuable! Never trust soldiers with feathers in their hats I say. Well, except the Apaches obviously. An underrated way to settle a fight is scalping."
The firm could be fined a "six-figure sum" for ruining the site.
"Do you know how many bleedin' rocks I could 'a bought for that? An' I promised the wife sauna would be a bargain, like," moans Sir fos.