1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152
153
154
155
156 
By our Northern Correspondent
Page 18
If you've noticed an error in this article please click here to report it so we can fix it.
Eric Strongitharm Oswaldtwistie.
At an age when the eligible bachelors of the town are courting the Oswaldtwistle spinsters, one young lady is preparing to leave home for the first time. The good lady in question is Gracie, the niece of highly respected local industrialist Sir Jos Spagthorpe, Chairman and President for Life of Spagthorpe Motor Company.
Sir Jos quashed recent rumours that the heiress to the Spagthorpe millions had been seen with SMC loading bay apprentice and occasional test driver Darren Acne in the snug of the Ferret and Trouser Leg Public House enjoying a half of mild ale and a packet of pork scratchings.
However, Sir Jos is still keen to put distance between the love-struck pair. "The little strumpet'll spend t'next few years at St Hildas Reform School for Precocious Madams cot' edge of Gawthorpe Moor until she's ready to tek her place by the side of an appropriate suitor," said a livid Sir Jos. Our lass is a much sort-after type and I won't have her sullied by any old Tom, Dick or Harry, Young Acne won't be in a position to tickle the fancy of the young Grade, or any other lass, from here on in," he added.
The following morning a tearful heiress was herded onto the 5am train bound for Manchester Piccadilly before catching the 7.45 Miserable Northerner to Penrith, "We have packed up her belongings and are sending them down in the latest truck off the production line, the 4x2 Spagthorpe Behemoth Drawbar Steam Engine," adds Sir Jos.
FLASH: Local police are still trying to identify a young marl found wandering the moors in the early hours, tarred and feathered, trying to remove a tea urn from his head.