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a 3.5-tonne Renault Master or a petrolpowered Vauxhall Midi? My
Page 52
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van was slow, with appalling load access and a terrible payload.., basically the laughing stock of the van world. Unless one of the challenges involved leaving a smokescreen to confuse the fellow competitors, I would stand little chance of winning anything.
I even thought about spending the other E163 on gifts for the judges.
My mood lightened considerably, however, when I learned that Dylan's Renault Master had died on the way to the track and had to be towed the last few miles. If it had to be pushed around the asphalt then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't come last.
First challenge was the fastest lap, which I was convinced I would lose. The Master had been coaxed into life and, even if it was leaking brown water out of a split hose, it would surely still beat my van. The Slug climbed into the Daf, familiarised himself with the controls... and was shocked to discover a fifth gear. He sped off, producing a sorry attempt at a wheelspin in the process, and I proudly looked on with a tear in my eye as it disappeared into the distance. In fact, we all had tears in our eyes, due to the nuclear mushroom-style plume of smoke that engulfed us.
Incredibly, the Leyland Oaf came second, thanks in the main to an incredibly sick Renault Master. It was the same story with both the wheelspin and acceleration tests, with my ex-Post Office van managing slight tyre squeal before lumbering up to 50mph in a glacial 20-something seconds.
Next challenge was the in-cab noise test — the one I had really been dreading. Even with the engine off, the Leyland is loud. When it's stationary the noise of it rusting kept my neighbours awake at night; at speed it was positively deafening. The combination of a squeaky driver's seat, rattling bulkhead, knackered wheel